and i would cry all night if it weren't for kind words

wishing you were here somehow...

sometimes i deal with inadequacy -- feeling worthless and just downright like an abyss that everything just falls into hopelessly. It's sad when it happens, and I get tearful and depressed and I just don't want to see the world. but tonight, dear Kyle managed to help pull me out of that before I could fall too far. He lifted me out and reassured me, but set me on the right way gently, ever so gently, without hurting my poor frail self. (its hormones, i swear). i'm strong 28 days out of every 32, i swear.

it was so the opposite of how this day went though -- i was so upbeat and the 3 boys were great today and i even got my reading done for the Kant paper. my outfit was rockin and i was feeling on top of the world. then i had to go and bring up stuff. and my self-conscious nature related to stuff. goodness. why in the world do i do that?

long distance is tough but its not too much to fret over. its been about... 18 days since i last saw Kyle... so I can't complain too much. or at all, really. it's only hard when i cry.

it's then that i really need someone to just hold me and tell me it'll be alright.

and right now i have to pretend to be held.

though his words do a pretty good job... for now.

*sigh*

i'm being such a downer, i really am sorry bout that.

now lets post outfit pics because my outfit pics from today were happy and joyful and tons of fun to take. loved my outfit today -- it felt like a mix of "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" + "Austin Powers" + "The Network" all at once. it was fabulous.

floss?

brush-a-brush-a!

"what we try to do every night, Pinky... we're going to take over the world!!"

::strike a pose::

bow headpiece: handmade, corduroy jacket: Tulle, rainbow minidress: vintage handmade via Etsy, leggings: Sidecca, boots: via ebay, belt: vintage, "mirrorball" necklace: found in Rome -- Fossil I believe, heart necklace: Target

"you could be a part time model"

So recently i re-discovered the musical and comedic genius that is The Flight of the Conchords. Bret and Jemaine are just dreadfully wonderful, their humour is fantastic, and they have musical skills to match their looks: awkward, goofy, yet suprisingly seductive. :P

take for example this brilliant song~

I pulled out this song for a friend of mine who helped us out and modeled for Second Stitch earlier in the week, isn't she beautiful?!

alysia finger in 3PT, photo © Second Stitch Limited, 2010

So i guess you could see where the inspiration came from with the song and everything, perhaps?

anyway, so i have been photographing randomly, i love todays outfit but i have yet to take outfit pics today. so instead i'll post pics that kinda go with todays mood -- i'm a little down (i blame hormones), but its kinda a beautiful sad today. so these pictures, though not from today, do represent today's mood rather well.

skirt: vintage, shoes: lifestride for FF, jacket: Tulle, blouse: f21, tank: sidecca, tights: target, owl necklace: Tulle, headpiece: handmade by myself

THOUGH --yeahhh... i did start taking fish oil for my depression (its mild, and i don't think anything that would need more severe medication for) so we'll see if it works out! I am very hopeful, because its supposed to be a great "home" remedy for depression and the sort. Also started taking some vitamins in hopes that maybe it will help me start on a healthier daily regimen.

here's to hoping for sunny skies in my mental view!

looking as innocent as possible to get to they want and what they want -- its easy if you do it right

i'm exhausted. beat. but absolutely in love with this bow headband that i bought yesterday. its priceless. and according to a number of people, i pull it off quite well. hehe. ^_^

today i went to my first Pitt football game. i didn't thoroughly enjoy it, but i did meet some cool kids at the tailgate. part of me wishes i had just gone to the tailgate and not the game. meh.

i'm feeling a little all over the place right now -- kinda in the self-hate phase but at the same time i know that i need to keep my chin up. blech.

i also premiered another one of my outfits today -- and ended up with nacho cheese and chocolate on it. lamecakes! oh well -- it looked good. :)




bow headband - forever 21, shoes - kimchi blue via Urban Outfitters, shorts - H&M, shirt - H&M, leaf cuff - forever 21, belt - secondhand from my mother

happiness damn near destroys you

so i had been having a wonderful, beautiful day. i woke up, got ready, went to a meeting for the Newman Clubs and participated (yay!), talked and walked with Father Josh, did homework, and played games. and lots of foosball. and more games. and more foosball. and i almost beat Father Josh. so close. but alas. i did not. and at the end of the night i was hoping that Stephen and i would play each other but he just left. and things kinda went downhill for the next 10 minutes. and i felt horrible.

knowing what happiness feels like is absolutely brutal when you are experiencing the basic opposite.

and trying my best to be happy and fight through my heartache is tough, but i know i need to do it.

anyway, i still have homework to do so i'm going to go do that now!





shirt - Sidecca, shorts - Reebok, secondhand from my mom, belt - secondhand, tights - Target, headband - Claire's, shoes - Rocketdog

I'm fraudulent, a thief at best, a coward who paints a bulls*** canvas

So lately I've been trying to deal with some problems, issues, and deficiencies on my part.

i feel like i'm fading but that i'm growing stronger at the same time. its a hard concept to grasp, i know. but after all these years of being so selfish and impatient and prideful, i finally want to tear that all down. i want to, but i'm having a difficult time getting past the roadblocks in my heart.

so i'll send up a prayer in hopes that God will get me there
and i'll stop painting bulls*** and learn to paint me
even though what i have to put down isn't all that wonderful
i don't want to be fake anymore


aaand here is Sunday's version of my outfits -- church clothes. :)

could you please listen while i figure things out

Wow -- it has been nine days since I've been on the blog.
in the process of it all I have moved myself in, done a ton of other different things, and found some heartache, joy, and disconcert in my life.

My melancholy is hard to shirk but i'm hoping that it leaves soon. i want to be happy and i want to figure things out. life is crazy and i am praying for the rainbow at the end of all this crazy rain.

so here's some pics of my new room and my new style -- there will definitely be more to come as long as i keep up with my laundry!




shirt - mossimo via target; culottes - vintage via etsy; belt - secondhand; necklace - target, headband - gift, shoes - rocketdog

how you exist when you're living in a dreamworld

i leave in about an hour and a half! i am so excited, but last night i had quite a spell of falling apart. Considering that i haven't done much of that in a while, it surprised me, but I think it was good for me to get it out. i am both extremely excited and a bit terrified of going back to a place that holds so many memories for me. but considering that right now i feel like i'm caught in a melancholy stagnancy, almost like i'm living in a dream. i want to get out of it and get back to reality, get back to daily living and being able to grow and change. at home i just don't feel like i have that opportunity so much. so in that respect, i cannot wait to get back to Pittsburgh. i can't wait to get back to real life. don't get me wrong -- i will miss my family terribly, and i love them more than anything -- but right now at this point, i need friends.

so i begin the journey today, taking my step out of the awkward in-between.

"ready to go"


"DEJALO!"

its your gradual descent into a life you never meant

i find that doing things deliberately and with purpose often leads to heartbreak and pain -- but going through life without trying anything, without attempting anything monumental, without loving with all you have can leave you empty. i would rather feel pain and heartbreak tenfold than to be numb.

I did all this deliberately --
i decided that i was going to find something that made me happy and made me smile.
something that could fill a little bit of my life without eating my life completely.
i decided to cut my hair and fall in love with style.

...we'll see how i come out of it.

i promised myself that i would never again lead a life unexamined.

... i also promised myself that i would never again lead a life based on what other people think.

this is me.

...this is the life i mean for me. starting now.

~*~*~

so i've been searching around, looking for things and trying to set up how my dorm will look when i get back, etc. here's are a few things i found...

The Wave Pillowcase Set

Complete Embellishing by Kayte Terry

Born-Again Vintage

...there was other stuff...
oh...yeah.
this chair that i'm trying to get! (I want a chair to be able to chill and play my bass in... i think this would also be good as a prop for taking pictures :))


it looks like a good chair -- the wood is absolutely beautiful and the color of the upholstery is good too -- just needs a little lovin. :)

and for the curtain between Kate's side and my side -- i'm looking at these -- help me decide!

and its the worst/best/hardest thing i have ever done

so i found this secret on PostSecret this morning...
i almost jumped out of my skin.
i feel like he could have written this about me after everything we've been through in the last 8 months -- and the last 5 weeks.


dang. i thought i was over this.
...well, i guess there will always be moments, eh?

*~~*~~*~~*

in better news!

i am shipping my amp and my sewing machine tomorrow, and I only have 3 days until i am gone from here.

i've also found these -- and i can't begin to tell you how much i love them. :)




these wonderful prints are all beautiful works by Johnny Taylor, an artist currently based in L.A.
check him out here.

i hope your weekends have gone wonderfully ~ i will now head downstairs to eat pancakes :)