Sunday, June 13, 2010

missing home...

This is from my other blog, but I felt it especially applicable today -- so I thought I'd reuse it. Missing Pittsburgh and my home out there...


so i am dreadfully bored. sitting at home, in my lovely pasty-white room with lovely birch-toned wood furniture. It’s cute — really lovely furniture that speaks to the lover of indie in me. But i’m used to it, have had it for years and years and it has become just the typical. so i am bored with it. at least for right now, while I have papers to do and i am attempting incessantly to put them off.

I have three papers to do — all of which I hope to be finished by next Friday evening.

I have been back at my home in California for 4 days now. Amazing how quickly that time just flew by already.

But is this home?

I call Pittsburgh “home” now, and though I do sometimes call this place “home”, more often than not I just call it “California”. I don’t love this place. It’s nice, don’t get me wrong, and I love my family here. But I don’t love here. My heart is not here — my heart is with my family. And just as much now, my heart is in Arizona with Kyle (or wherever the heck he is right now) as it is here, at 2107 Bates Circle. I don’t love California. I love Yosemite. I love the beach. I love the Mendocino Coast. But more than all of those, I love Pittsburgh. Why? Because there are countless people there whom I love. And I’m not just talking sentimental touchy-feely love. Yes, I can get sentimental about certain people but thats not all of it. I am only here at home because of my family. I could have gotten a nanny position in Pittsburgh, but I chose to come home to see my lovely family.

(My brother is going off to college in August. Scary. Man. He’s really a lot of the reason why I came home…)

But my heart is not all here. My heart is in pieces all over the nation right now — my love is scattered across miles and rivers and maybe even oceans.

So where is home?

What is home?

From Garden State:

Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

And I guess that’s what I’m trying to find for myself right now. I love my family here, but I don’t miss the same imaginary place that they do anymore. I miss a different place, with different surroundings and different faces.

And maybe i’ve found that place in someone else…
I can’t say for sure yet. But I do indeed think that it’s worth finding out.

*sigh* to my home out there, I miss you.


skirt: vintage, blouse: vintage, shoes: FF, belt: thrifted vintage, tie/scarf: thrifted, bracelet: F21, awesome yellow armband: from BloodSource cuz I gave blood today!